Sorry Emma but big ears has been stringing you along

If you were a weird looking cat, with sticky-out-ears, but your owner loved you, and even regarded you as a friend, and gave you a cool collar with a cool tag, and probably fed you gourmet fish snacks every day, and all you had to do was lie in front of the fire and get stroked, or carried around by your owner, would you run away?

Selfish little bastard.

Bush Skills - Reduced to Clear Challange

Winning the 'reduced to clear' challenge would put all my urban bush skills to the test. Like Ray Mears, I would have to rely upon an intimate knowledge of my environment, and the daily cycles of store opening and closing hours to take advantage of any seasonal glut.

I knew from Lucinda's experience that Islington branch of Sainsbury's afforded rich pickings for the alert urban hunter gatherer, so I headed straight for the bakery department. I scanned the shelves quickly and methodically until I spotted my prey. There they were, Yumyums, herded together and oblivious to my stealth-like approach. Instinctively, now almost in a trance like state, I swooped, and with one deft move they were safely corralled within my shopping basket.

Yumyums, original price £1.99, reduced to clear price 20p!

Cats are Crap

I was thumbing through my Christmas colouring-in book this afternoon and I found this picture and thought, 'the nail's in the wrong place'.

Healthy Take-a-ways - London

This is an old photo from last year, but I wanted to publicise my new 'content stream'. Click on the link to see a list of healthy fast food take-a-ways in London. You can see the list in full, which includes other regions here: http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/food/story/0,,1761531,00.html

Shopkeepers: Know your Market

Fancy a Can?
If I were a drunk, unlikely in my case being a clean-living tea-totaller, but if I were, I'd shop here.

A Tin of Cat Food with Ears

Packaging Gone Mad
A tin of cat food with ears. I'm convinced they do this to make people on mushrooms laugh. The can on the left is slightly concave, like your waistline will be if you eat these beans. I suppose that cat tin could be used as a cookie cutter to make cat shaped cookies for your cat loving friends. You could then stand outside their house biting the ears off the cookies and making meowing noises and laughing.

Window Dogs

Window Dogs
Did you know that Brixton is 'small white dog in window' capital of Britain? Well it is. The dog on the left is a scale model of a Jack Russell Terrier. The dog on the right is an 'artistic impression' of a dog. The houses are two streets away from each other.

Any weekend where you get to eat two pizzas is a great weekend.

Check it out. I'm using the heat from my hand to heat up these cherry tomatoes to room temperature!

Inflatable Cycle Helmet

I was looking through the Argos Catalogue for a cycle helmet last night and I found this one hidden away in the hair care products section of all places. Just imagine you could get run over by a massive truck and you'd get up, and you'd be like 'didn't feel a thing!' Plus it's inflatable so when you got to the pub or wherever you could just deflate it and put it in your pocket. Obviously you'd want a fluorescent coloured one for extra visibility and safety.

PS Muddy Fox, or Ridgeback, or Sony, I had the idea first so fuck off right.

Fontastic!

I'd like a one bedroom studio flat... er on the moon, in the nineteen seventies please.

BMX Bandits

Check it out, I'm like, all over that Stockwell Skate Park. That's me in the middle and on the left and the right. I'm also being chased by the Police - in helicopters - who are just out of shot.

Parsley Burgers

Sort of like a British falafel, with avocado humus. Yeah I know what your thinking, avocado humus how tasty does that sound. Well imagine how tasty humus is, then imagine how tasty avocados are, well put them together and times by five.

The Needles

I looked down at my last piece of cheese cake and thought, coastal erosion.

Cheese Cake

So I had green spinach soup, followed by green spinach dip, then Stiggles turns up with a lime cheese cake. Which by the way was lush. That along with the release of Ray's new book, it's almost like mother nature is trying to tell us something.

That cheese cake there was so tasty, I bet if you licked the screen it would taste of lime.

Ray Mears / Beauty Myth

This is how smart Ray Mears is. He's made a insightful and compelling critique of Naomi Wolf's Beauty Myth on page 110 of his new book, just in passing! Ray Mears can also make a canoe from birch bark.

Ray Mears

Next time someone says what religion are you. I'm gonna say 'I don't believe in God, but I do believe in Ray Mears'. Lots of people say mockingly 'when are you going to utilise these survival techniques you've learned then?'. Two words: plane crash, jungle.

Pet Stroking Glove

That Robert Dyas is a fucking amazing shop. You can buy a special glove for stroking your cat or dog, a scrubbing brush disguised as a potato and a sieve that has been specially adapted for midgets. What can't you get at Robert Dyas?!

Green Lunch

Jeanean also made spinach soup, and fish cakes which I forgot I don't eat. This meant that I had a green lunch - crazy eh?

Intestines

Jeanean hollowed out a loaf of bread and stuffed it with a mixture of spinach, ranch dressing and water chestnuts, a bit like Ray Mears but with less intestines and in an office.